Archival Work Completed on the Second Specimens

In honor of hump day for the week, it is my honor to present the second batch of parchments from the hallowed framing counter. It is my hope the laughs obtained from these classics will bear you up for the remainder of the week until more postings are made. Without further delay, here they are:

Specimen 4- The Hair Shall Set You Free...or Chase You Down (est. 1997)

This is the official piece that started it all at the framing counter. Originally all the framing counter held was this "hair" hovering above the now bald head of Our Follicularly Challenged Friend along with a few choice captions. As I recall, one said "Pucker up Buttercup!" In addition to the piece itself, I inserted one of the original captions. Chances are you'll know which song I enhanced the lyrics to when you read it.






Specimen 5- Products for the Millennium (when the time comes...)

In honor of the many Book of Mormon based toys and countless clothing items being added to our store inventory, I had an idea for products which will be sold during the Millennium. The line of T-Shirts, available from Millennial Designs (a wholly-owned subsidiary of SinbolArts), is destined to be the fashion rage. I think in light of inflation which will likely occur between now and then the stated prices on the original brochure may need to be adjusted by a few billion dollars. Then again, maybe in the Millennium we won't have inflation- maybe that is what will help the lamb lie down next to the lion and for dogs and cats to live together- "Mass hysteria!" (Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters). Also, in honor of the scripture which mentioned a child playing on a cockatrice's den and not being harmed, I also thought a playground style setup cockatrice den might be fun for the kids to enjoy here and now (cockatrices sold separately).

Specimen 6- Exciting New Music! (circa 1997)
Before I was known for loving our Follicularly Challenged Friend, I was first known for my loathing a special family who sang about a Fortress of Love. In a particular twist of irony, I was privileged to personally set things up for this family when they came to the store for a signing/lip-sync session on Conference Saturday. I was quoting D&C 122:7 in my head the whole time, I can assure you of that. In honor of their first album, someone wondered aloud what their second album might be called. What do you get after the Fortress of Love? The answer came quickly- a Great and Spacious Building! The cover for the 2nd album is more or less a copy of the first, with the whole family sitting playing footsie again, but this time wearing their fine linens and gold. I think I see a Calvin Klein logo parody "Covenant Keeper" T-shirt in there as well as a "Self-Righteous" 49ers logo parody T-shirt in there too. Of course, who can forget that they met the Pope! If anything from the counter condemns me at the last day, it will probably be this drawing.

First Specimens From the Archives

Thanks to the modern miracle of a now-functioning scanner, I am pleased to offer the first specimens from the Framing Counter archives. In spite of my caution in avoiding naming the individual for whom the Framing Counter was dedicated, I noticed several of these historic renderings reveal his identity. After much consideration and counseling with various legal advisers, public relations specialists and other persons, the overwhelming verdict was "aw, who gives a crap?" It was at that juncture I opted to proceed with letting the cat (or dare I say catlike toupee) out of the bag.

The specimens are all scanned from the original scraps of paper which happened to be lying around awaiting embellishment. You may notice the worn edges, pieces of tape still clinging to the paper, rips and wrinkles and the occasional worn spots where the text has been eroded away. I will do my best to guess what the missing links may be, but hopefully seeing the original forms will bring back many funny memories. Without further delay, here are today's contributions:

Specimen 1- The Original Manic Toupee (Circa 1997)

The origin of this specimen dates to the earliest days of the counter. If memory serves this was the first contribution I made to the counter. When parents were encouraged to not bring their children to a musical written and produced by Our Follicularly Challenged Friend, I knew the true reason why. Corporate said animals were frightening the children. They were right, an animal hairpiece was chasing the children.

Thanks to the positive feedback I received from this addition to the counter, I was inspired to continue to strain for any chance to add more to it. If any specimen is to be blamed or credited for what came after, this is the one.

Specimen 2- One of the First Book Idea Contributions (origin date unknown)

As the months and years of my time at Deseret Book passed, we observed an ever increasing canon of inspirational additions to the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. People of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds had Chicken Soup books tailored just for them. I dedicated this volume to all people who had too much Chicken Soup. The specimen speaks for itself.

One might also call this one of the first additions to the Matt Macey Procrastinated Literary Library filled with volumes of books which only exist as an idea. The library continues to grow while nothing tangible is ever produced. I'll do it tomorrow...

Specimen 3- Products Which I'm Surprised Were Never Actually Made

I believe this specimen is circa 1998. When we got new products which seemed to make no sense, the floodgates of imagination opened and often these informative brochures for my SinbolArts line would come into existence. From T-Shirts to CTR Rings to LDS Tattoos, SinbolArts had it all. Many more specimens from this line will appear in time.

A Pleasant Journey Down Memory Lane

When artistic landmarks are remembered in the annals of history, chances are the framing counter of the old ZCMI Center Deseret Book store will not be mentioned. That is okay by me. The art exhibit on the inside of the framing counter door was not meant to be enjoyed by the whole of mankind. It was more a massive private joke for the celebrated few. Those who knew it remember it as being named after a certain person whose hairless head and cheesy smile greeted all who opened the counter door. I fear if I speak his name it may summon his presence here, much like speaking the name of Lord Voldemort sparked the same fear with many in the Harry Potter books. From henceforth, for purposes of not speaking his name, I will simply refer to him as "our follicularly challenged friend."

The origins of The "Our Follicularly Challenged Friend" Memorial Framing Counter began independent of myself. It began with an altered photograph of our follicularly challenged friend taped inside the door of the counter. Accompanying the aforementioned altered photograph were several thought bubbles, one of which I recall saying "pucker up, Buttercup!" I forget who gave the counter it's now legendary name, but I know it was not me.

It did not take long for me to become a regular contributor to the inside of the framing counter. My random ideas often found their way to paper and quickly ended up taped to the door of the counter. My contributions ranged for innovative product ideas to artistic depictions of Our Follicularly Challenged Friend's hairpiece chasing small children. When the time came and I left the company, the fragmented pieces of art were given to me as a parting gift. Being the pack rat that I am, they were saved...somewhere. I am pleased to report the archive has been found. In time, the historic documents will be archived in digital form on this blog, so all who knew the counter will know a portion of it again. Until I get the chance to review the legal implications of posting the altered likeness of Our Follicularly Challenged Friend and revealing his name in this blog, I will have to refrain for now.

Postings will soon begin, so stay tuned for hopefully regular updates!